My father, Dewey McClellan, was born in 1898 and died in 1972 when I was 35. For the last years of his life Dad suffered from Parkinson's disease, arterial sclerosis, and dementia. Several years were spent in a convalescent facility. Our family lived a couple hundred miles away from my hometown, Carlsbad, California, so we didn't get down to see Dad too often. Martin, who was three, always wanted to visit Grandpa with me.
My vivid memory of this formerly robust man was how thin he had become. His frame was almost devoid of flesh and he seemed terribly feeble. One day I was shaving Dad and it occurred to me that I was completing a cycle. My father who bathed and changed me when I was a baby was now receiving my attention as he receded into a childlike state. I suspect the same will be true of me at some time in the future.
But beyond that, my body which once weighed 210 lbs now trips the scale at 165 lbs. As I look at my frame in the mirror, it is my father I see. A recent bone scan provides a picture of this weight loss. I'll place it on the Continue Reading page in case there are those who would prefer not to dive so deep into medical imagery.
Since I am not a radiologist, I can't read this image. I suspect dark spots on the ribs are signs of problems and I think I can make out an area in the lower right lung with fluid in it. Although this may seem macabre to some of you, I am the kind of person who wants to know exactly what is going on in my body and I find it fascinating, if a little confusing to try to read the results of tests.
Posted by Donel at April 3, 2005 10:49 AMDonel,
Had hoped to see you at church today. Had brought something for you which I will put in the mail.
The main reason I was sad not to see you is that Carter made quite the appearance during "Time with Children" while an utterly poised young woman was doing her best to read from her notecard as he ran around her legs. Oh, he explored the length of the steps, ran several turns around the table exploring the carvings with his hands (he likes to look for the fish and then make fishy faces when he finds it), took at least two detours down the aisles before finally settling in next to Maren (or being settled there by Laura DeRose's helping hands). I fought my instinct to corral him as it was most comical and we all needed a moment of levity. Plus, he was just marching to his own beat in that ultra-confident way that is Carter.I knew you would approve...
Carolyn
Dear Don,
We have been following you on the Blogg since mom was down here visiting us in Dec. and Jan. She sent the wonderful article from the Hearld this week. What an inspiration you are to all those that you have ministered to over the years. I once again want to thank you for all the care you gave my dad during his illness and during the funeral etc. Also, the love and support you have given my mom over the years you have been in Bellingham. You have been and continue to be in our daily prayers. We are sorry we aren't there in person to give you a hug and a smile and wish you well. Thanks again for all you've done for the church and the extended Olson family. You are loved and will be missed. Aren't we blessed to be people of faith? With our gratitude, love and prayers, Jo Ann and Charles Marchese
Donel,
What a really beautiful picture! X-rays and bone scans and MRI's show the universal human body and it certainly doesn't show the weight loss I see in person. Your bone scan shows very clearly the gift of life we receive from God. I see sturdy bones in the scan and when I see you now you are much thinner than you were a few months ago. I think I prefer the bone scan picture for my memory bank just now. I too thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. It is such a gift to "travel with you" as your continue the dance with cancer.
Love, K
Thank you for encouraging us shy ones to enter into the blog world.
I haven't been able to get a page in Anne Lamott's book , Plan B Further Thoughts on Faith , out of my mind since reading it recently and it speaks to me of you, Donel. She tells of a Hasidic story of a rabbi who always told his people that if they studied the Torah, it would put Scripture on their hearts. One of them asked, "Why on our hearts, and not in them?" The rabbi answered, "Only God can put Scripture inside. But reading sacred text can put it on your hearts, and then when your hearts break, the holy words will fall inside."
Not to say that a web blog could be sacred text, but in the meaning of sacred as reverently dedicated to some person or purpose, your sharing of your faith through this journey is falling inside many hearts and healing the cracks. Thanks be to God.
Dear Don,
This story about your father and the images of your bone scans has reminded me of the various images of you I have had in my mind's eye these past months of following your blog.
Usually I am recalling a picture I took of you at Jeni and Ron's 4th of July 2000 party. You're standing on the deck with the sunset behind you, you're smiling, and you look... well, you look like you!
Then I recall one of my favorites - you rather suddenly enter the cabin where a number of us kids are hanging out, mumble a few spoonerisms, grab something apparently important, bid us goodnight red-faced and smiling, and then head back down to the Creek Lodge to sing us to sleep (yes, it got that loud). Memories I will never forget.
Don, your life has had an influence on so many of us over the years, in ways that we don't fully realize at the time.
I thank you, and I love you, and I wish you peace and Godspeed.
Love,
Eric
Don,
Just wanted you to know that we are following your blog all the way from Okinawa Japan where Ross is currently stationed. We usually check in daily!
God Bless,
Ross and Kym Roley
Donel,
Here is a note from my mother.
Dear Donel,
Evan alerted me to your message of March 28. I am not so au fait with my computer, and have not seen your web site up to now. Each day since Tuesday when Evan gave me the web site address (I tried hilbox, halbox, helbox, and finally thought it must really be hellbox, just as Evan said on the answering service)I have checked the new messages.
Our pastor is on vacation this week, and asked me to preach tomorrow. I am centering on a line in David's poem from Psalm 16 that Peter quotes in his sermon to the Israelites after the feast of Pentecost. I am using Peterson's words in The Message because they reached out and grabbed me: I've pitched my tent in the land of hope. After reading your most recent postings, the sermon is ending with lines from several of them. The last short paragraph is: Donel's life and imminent death, and Peter's appearance before the crowds tell us that the day of resurrection is here. The time to pitch our tents in the land of hope is now. AMEN
I am very moved by your life as a lived sermon. Blessings on you, on Marilyn, and on the congregation as you, and we, all mourn and rejoice together.
Shelley Ritchie
Ou
Dear Donel,
I am deeply moved by your journey, and your willingness to share your images, both in the mirror and in the bone scan. My own eyes have seen your physical body melting away on fast-forward. I've heard that the actual dying is the easy part, merely the last step, the opening of the hand. It's the journey, inch by inch, that's the challenge.
Yesterday the cameras at St' Peter's panned Michaelangelo's "Pieta," and I recalled standing there a few years ago, weeping uncontrollably at the world's most beautiful image of Christ and his Mother. I wonder what the stone carver's work might have looked like if Jesus had lived a bit longer, and had been the one seated, holding His aged Mother. No doubt whole world would look different.
The Pope's body, rotund and robed in crimson, was bourn on shoulders through the ancient square and offered as evidence of God's love, and God's mercy, to the millions there, and billions watching. As he was carried into his sanctuary, I thought about the countless times I watched you, proud as a new father, cradling a freshly baptized baby as you walked down the isle to show us evidence of God's eternal and everlasting love. It was no different when you tenderly baptized your dying father with shaving cream, or when you baptized me.
You may, indeed, regress as you near your end here. You will be cradled every inch of the way by your loving family, even as you crawl to the finish line. We out here will vigil every inch of the way, and in the end, cry and rejoyce, and stand ready to hold the family that held you. You can count on that.
Love,
Nancy
Dear Don,
I haven't been on your blog for a few weeks. Much has changed as your journey continues.
I write you this morning to add my voice and let you know again how much you matter to all of us who are privilidged to share this journey with you.
Those of us who where part of the Woodland Hills Church during your time there still consider you to be "our minister". No matter how far away in space or time - robed in flesh and blood or glowing with the light of God - you will always be our minister.
Rest easy knowing that who you are has counted for so much to so many. And you continue to minister to us all as you teach through gentle grace and example.
Thank you for being my minister and friend.
Mary Becker
Posted by: Mary Becker at April 5, 2005 09:39 AMDear Don,
My mother just heard about your condition from her sister in Washington. She informed me right away. Like Mary Becker, I still think of you as my minister. I have missed you and your family since you moved so many years ago. As a matter of fact, I was looking at the Good News Bible (just last week and before we received the news) you gave to me when I was about 7 years old and remembering you fondly. Please know that you have touched my life as you have so many others. You, Marilyn, Martin, Dani, and Jeni are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Monica Bisbey Origer
Dear Donel,
Thanks for the invitation to this journey with you. Your comments about life's caring cycle brought back Fred Small's "Father's Song." The chorus includes his childhood memory:
"I put my hands out to my father
Standing strong in the water
When I could not swim
I held on to him
It was all right."
The last verse has these words:
"And once before he dies
I will hold him in my arms without flinching
And tell him it's all right..."
The whole song is at
http://www.asklyrics.com/display/Father%60s_Song_LYRICS/88954
Donel and Marilyn, I feel I am very late in catching up with your news. I am glad you have decided on the "blog" route and it will take my Marilyn and me a while to absorb what is written here.
Just wanted you both to know we are now "aboard" with your new venture, and we come aboard with gratefulness and love.
Gordon
Posted by: Gordon Laird at April 7, 2005 04:40 AM
So Donel, the scan was really cool. How about making it your book's cover: putting it on the cover (face forward) and on the back (ass forward). Am I too indelicate? Of course you may wonder what lies between the covers.
The blog of course: your writings and those of your community. Marilyn is published so she can probably find you an agent. Where should one put the reaped profits?
Scholarships for students at Sichuan Radio and TV University? The Whatcom County Library System? A free matinee of your favorite movie of all time at the movie theater for the first 200 who show up. Retire the church's building debt?
A book sounds easier than marketing the rubber chicken clock. Not necessarily more fun but 75% of the work is done on the book.
I am sure you could come up with a clever title. Or one of your bloggers might hit upon something that would be both intriguing and accurate.
Let me know if you need any suggestions. I can see it now.
Jennifer
Posted by: Jennifer at April 3, 2005 03:03 PM