Monday morning Marilyn and I drove to the Eastlake center in Seattle for my appointments at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance.. My morning was spent getting injections for the scans and lying on my back while various hi-tech machines looked into my body. At noon we drove over to Martin and Christine's apartment and had some lunch and rested until our appointment with Dr. Tia Higano to review the tests.
At 2:30 Martin drove us back to the SCCA and Jeni met us. We first met with Hanne Peterson, Dr. Higano's nurse, who has been wonderfully supportive throughout my treatment. She suggested that my digestion problems were probably caused by liver damage and that I continue to be anemic.
Then Dr. Higano came in, as gracious as always, and gently reported on the scan results. There is some fluid on my lung (right side) and in my abdomen. The pain left sacroiliac joint is doubtless due to a new tumor. In general the results suggest that we move to a focus on pain control since the primary sites of the new tumors will probably not respond to treatment without causing more side effects than they will remove. Dr. Higano suggested that I might get some relief from several medications but should not expect to regain much energy in the future.
When pressed with the inevitable question: "How long, doctor?" she responded that no one can measure that but she would give a ballpark of two to four months. I can't tell you how much I appreciate her gentle honesty. I had been anticipating such news because of my awareness of changes in my body. In a sense it is liberating to know that my focus can change from getting stronger to making the most of each precious day given me.
Martin drove us home to Bellingham where he will stay for a few days. After calling Dani in Singapore to fill her in, we had dinner, watched some TV and went to bed … allowing further processing of the news to wait until morning when we would all be more rested.
This morning Marilyn, Martin and I had a conversation about some of the things that now become high on the agenda. There were tears and laughter and a courageous willingness of the family to adjust to the new situation.
I must sense that I have a sense of relief to know that pushing myself to eat when my stomach is in rebellion and to exercise each day in order to get stronger are unlikely to counter the effects of the cancer. My dance now becomes more passive, more responsive to the lead of my body.
And where is God in all of this? I sense that the Spirit is dancing with me and that I am always upheld by the Everlasting Arms. God is good and each day is a blessing!
Posted by Donel at March 29, 2005 11:51 AMYou ARE upheld by Everlasting Arms and some very, very sad, trembling, impermanent ones here, too. It is good to know what is happening but horrible to hear the news I was dreading. Hugs, Janet
Posted by: Janetj at March 29, 2005 02:23 PMDonel:
I am both deeply saddened to hear this news, and glad your family is there all around you. You have so much love and support - I bet you'll show 'em all and keep on dancing.
much love from california,
Ginevra
And so it goes.
When I read your news Donel I felt sad. I still feel sad. But in my sadness I want you to listen to Dylan sing "Bob Dylan's Dream." It's the song I decided about 25 years ago to have sung at my memorial service-none of those churchy honkers with hard to find notes for me. Of course you know all of Dylan's work, but this one starts, "While riding on a train goin' west,
I fell asleep for to take my rest.
I dreamed a dream that made me sad,
Concerning myself and the first few friends I had."
It continues and ends up (I don't want to put the whole song here for fear the copyright police will nab me.)
"How many a year has passed and gone,
And many a gamble has been lost and won,
And many a road taken by many a friend,
And each one I've never seen again.
I wish, I wish, I wish in vain,
That we could sit simply in that room again.
Ten thousand dollars at the drop of a hat,
I'd give it all gladly if our lives could be like that."
Donel, I've got my checkbook here ready to write out the check. Unfortunately . . . or maybe fortunately, life doesn't work that way. I treasure our time together, the work, the comradery, and the occasional goofiness. In the time ahead, and who knows how long that will be, I hope we can still sit in a room again and remember and laugh and give thanks.
Jennifer
Donel, I find it so ironic that the day after the article in the paper you get this news. The article was so positive and now this sad, sad news comes. I've told Marilyn that I will probably be mad at you because I know you will be very accepting of this news and I'm just not there yet. I've been crying for about a half hour and probably look like hell, but I can't stop. I don't want to lose you and I don't want Marilyn to be alone. And of course, I transfer this all to my own life - me dying or me losing Dick. I'm just very sad right now. I love you very much.
K
Dear Donel,
After a good cry I have come back to my computer to send my love to you, Donel.
Whether you have 2 months or 10 months, I pray for them all to be sweet.
Watching you dance with Cancer is teaching me so, so much about living, you have no idea. I've been trying to figure out how to put this into words for 45 minutes and I've decided I just am not sure I can. Here's my best shot: I'm 29 years old, the same age my father was when he died (I was 3 then). I never danced with or about his death or maybe not even about his life. Mostly when I think of his death or even his life I just feel scared. Anxiety is not a legacy I think he would have wanted to leave me with.
You are teaching me a different way, Donel. And indeed, you are like a father to me. Thank you so, so much, for sharing a part of your life and dance with me. Thank you so very much.
Love, Kj
Brynna was holding me as I read your news Donel and the tears were pouring. Once again, I turn to my children, I tell them what is going on and together we pray for your family, we ask questions, Shane imagines what you are doing RIGHT NOW and Tennel suggests that it is no longer a polka, but a waltz. Anthony told everyone today that it was HIS minister on the front page of the paper. I am so proud that I am part of a place that can help me raise my children to not fear any of life's processes. We are with you.
gil
I wonder if it is possible to tell someone you love them enough times? I suppose it is -- I just wish I was going to have longer to repeat it. But to know that one is loved and has been loved and shall be loved - regardless of earthly status..... I suppose we can't ask for much more presciousness.
I am with Janet in knowing that you (and your family and all of us) ARE upheld by those Everlasting Arms - the ones that are stronger than our sad ones. It is good to know that.
We are all blessed. My gratitude is boundless for all that I learn and have learned from you, and to know and feel loved by you.
Much love,
Meril
Remember when no one mentioned "cancer" or "death?" Well, you have opened all those topics in a profound and moving way for us up talk about, think about, plan about. Thank you for you classes, for your blog, for your candor, for your continuing ministry, and for your desire to deepen our faith and understanding. Daily, you and Marilyn are in our throughts and prayers. We love you!
Posted by: Larry Richardson at March 29, 2005 07:40 PMHere's a story for you, Don and family and friends. I took it from Arnold Lobel's book Fables, although it has changed some in the telling.
my best wishes always,
Aarene
The Camel Dances
Once there was a camel, who wanted more than anything to become a ballet dancer. "To make every move a gesture of grace and beauty," she said, "that is my goal."
The camel studied for long years, practicing every day under the hot sun. At last, she sent word to her family and friends that she was ready to present a recital.
She danced before a full house of camels and critics. At the end of her performance, she gave a deep bow.
There was only silence.
At last, a stately camel arose and spoke.
"I must tell you," he said, "as a camel and a critic, that you are a terrible dancer. You are humpy and bumpy. You are baggy and lumpy. You are not now, and never will be a ballet dancer."
The camel listened to these harsh words, and then smiled. "Ah," she replied to him, "you are wrong. There is no doubt that I am a splendid dancer. I have trained long and hard. I have studied, and practiced, and performed. I am a wonderful dancer, and if you don't care for my dancing, then you may look away. For I intend to continue dancing for the rest of my life."
This is what she said, and this is what she did. It gave her many years of pleasure.
Posted by: Aarene Storms at March 30, 2005 11:38 AMDon,
I am saddened to hear of this news and will remember you in our prayers nightly. I was just telling the boys that you are the pastor that baptized me, confirmed me and then performed such a beautiful marriage ceremony for Mel and I 18 years ago. But I think now would be a perfect time to confess to my favorite Pastor. Here it goes...I was one of many that tee-pee'd the beautiful pepper trees at WHCC on that Easter morn. It wasn't easy finding all those Easter colors in toilet paper, but what's so amazing was the sermon you delivered centered around toilet paper and Easter. Sorry we had to challenge your creative writing skills at the 11th hour. Morning had truely broken that day! If you can somehow pull out that sermon from years past, I will cherish it forever. Might even share it with Jeni! (oops, that's a confession for someone else!)
You are remembered in our thoughts daily!
Blessings,
Terri Collins Vernon
Terri --
I fear that Easter sermon is long gone, except in memory. What you remember is probably better than what I preached anyway.
And the TP'd carob trees in the patio were a wonderful exprssion of Easter joy. I won't tell a soul who did it. :-)
Posted by: Donel McClellan at March 30, 2005 01:14 PMDon & Marilyn: I have been following your blog regularly from Santa Barbara and am sad to hear your latest news. I can't help but be reminded that you officiated at our wedding 38 years ago when we were all alot younger and greener with much of life still ahead of us.
You have shown such strength with your openness and sharing. It has been such a gift to all of us. I think of you all often and hold you in my heart. Take care, Don & Marilyn.
With Love...........Judy
Posted by: Judy & Lance at March 30, 2005 01:23 PMDon,
We just can't imagine the FCCB without you -- and we're newcomers! You were the very first person we met the Sunday we arrived unfashionably early for an exploratory visit. You didn't let on that we were interrupting your preparation . . . or that arriving an hour before the service was a bit much!
We had given up of the United Churches of Christ in Phoenix and had determined that there weren't pastors around willing to deliver a thought-provoking sermon . . . until we heard you on that first Sunday. We were hooked! So thanks for the five years of wonderful memories and for welcoming us back to the UCC family.
May your last dance be slow and sweet as you savor the rewards of a life well lived and the comforting presence of Marilyn and your beautiful family.
Shalom,
Neal and Carol
As I count I realize that our visit north this summer is outside of the doctor's statement of limits, so the possibility exists that our last face to face visit has already occured. But you are and will be always in my heart. Your compassion, your challenging questions, your acceptance of even the ugliest parts of me helped me grow up at last. You are a parent to me in the very best sense and nothing will ever truly separate us. May your days be filled with blessing and grace--and good pain management. --Love, Maria
Posted by: Maria at March 30, 2005 02:22 PMI started a note to you and somehow lost it, so I'll try again. Perhaps the original got sent but it wasn't complete.
Dear Friends Don (I should say DONEL) and Marilyn,
As with others who have read your blog and have wept, I have joined them. And I say thank God for you, for your ministry, for all that I have learned from you, for your gracious way of seeing the world, your family, your friends, and for the integrity of your teaching even (perhaps especially) in your way of facing death....yes, I say Thank God! And I want to share a prayer that I found in a long ago Al Martinez column in the LA Times when he visited a friend who spoke of his wife's death.....at the end, Martinez' friend said, "Lord, take your servant....Take her kindly, take her sweetly, take her gently..."
I can't say that without crying, but I'm not ashamed of tears and say it for you, my friends.
Much love, Ann
It's a regular traffic jam at the blog at these days. Thought I would add something related to driving around Seattle today. As I was headed home from the Conference Office a red light stopped my progress. The street was McClellan.
Of course, my mind went to the blog entry I would write about Donel getting a street named for him without having to die first. I thought he could enter this period of remission that would amaze all. I would be buyin' my groceries and staring out at me from the cover of The Enquirer would be the Rev. Donel McClellan, death-defying pastor who fooled all the medical wizards.
Then, just before the change of lights, I remembered the other street was Beacon Ave. Now, this was the real message. Though McClellan is dying at a known rate (unlike most of the rest of us who are dying at an unknown rate), he is serving as a beacon, lighting a path to an unexperienced land that awaits all of us.
Not bad, Donel, for a 90 second layover. It's the Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge all over again.
Happy Trails.
Jennifer
Dance now slowed, but wonderfully healing and helpful to those of us who are watching you and your family teach us "the steps". What an incredible gift... but then you have always given so much of yourself to those of us who have been privileged to have had our lives touched by yours, why should we be surprised that you would be doing anything differently now?
I commit myself to the promise that this new dance will be taught to others in your honor, and to the glory of God who is your best ever partner!
Thank you.
Posted by: Marcia Johnson at March 30, 2005 04:19 PMSo... in the above message it should read:
"...why should we be surprised that you would NOT be doing anything differently now?"
As a retired English teacher I just flunked the lesson I always tried to teach the kids... proofread, proofread! :-)
Posted by: marcia at March 30, 2005 04:37 PMMarcia --
Welcome to blog world. Proofreading doesn't matter much here and we read everything for intended meaning. It's one place wiere we can be human and make misteakes.
Thanks for your comments and those of everytone who preceeded you.
Posted by: Donel McClellan at March 30, 2005 04:45 PMDon,
Love surrounds you transcending time and place. I am thankful that my sister Shelli brought me the wonderful newspaper article that is such a tribute to your ministry. I am grateful that you are opening the circle of your love to all who will enter. Consider me close. Please give Marilyn and your family assurance that prayers are lifted by people, churches and places known and unknown to surround all of you at this sacred time of life's journey. Your web page is a powerful testimony of the ministry God has called you to offer so graciously. May peace reign and may pain be diminished,
from,O Little Town of Bremerton, Debbie Little
Need I mention that one of the things that will be carried on when thinking about the impact that your life has had on all of us is your great sense of humor and your ability to graciously make those of us who struggle with putting our feelings to words so much more at ease?! I will probably "blog away" again thanks to your entry above. A good laugh that warmed my heart... and was much needed I might add!
~m
Posted by: marcia at March 30, 2005 05:32 PMI got an email message today with the following signature and thought of you.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Love,
--ron
Donel,
As with so many others, we wept to hear your knews. You have been an inspiration to us, and continue to be, as is the very evident loving connection you share with Marilyn and your children.
My father once told me that he was not afraid to die because he had enjoyed life and felt he had lived it well. I'm sure you must feel much the same, as your life has been so obviously well lived.
You are in our thoughts and prayers daily. Much Love,
Faith and Bob
Posted by: Bob and Faith at March 30, 2005 10:14 PMDon: Although I have not seen you for many years, you have been in my thoughts a lot lately. My parents have been keeping me updated on your progress. As a youth growing up in the First Congregational Church, listening to your sermons each Sunday, and seeing you interact with my family, you played a big part in my spiritual growth and development. You even oversaw my wedding. Thank you for helping me to grow in Christ. I am praying for you and your family, and my biggest prayer is that God will be glorified through you in this experience. God Bless...
Julie (Riseland) Hoerner
Your courage in fighting your disease and your acceptance of God's will has been an inspiration beyond your immediate circle of friends. Ending our dance on earth with dignity is the best any of us can hope for in this world.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Kathy aka Ginevra's Mom
Posted by: Kathy at March 31, 2005 08:20 AMToday, the eve of the day of fools, I am reading your blog for the first time. I wonder what the students will think/say when they see me in a few minutes.
Sure, we'll have prepared lessons on the French Revolution and on Japanese Grammar, but the message I hope to share today will have more to do with facing life with grace and poise, to ensure that as each day goes by that those we love are made aware of that love. Especially love for 'myself, God's favorite child.' (thanks for that image Tom H)
It is impossible to express how grateful I am for the community in which we met, worked and in which we live. I am thankful for the role you play in sharing God's kind of love as you see it embodied in Jesus Christ.
We are made up of one and one and one, a beautiful diversity of which you are a beautiful part, and will continue to be a part long after you've become a member of the cloud of witnesses who join our journeys planted firmly in our hearts.
Donel, I love and treasure you.
Marilyn, I love and treasure you.
Make no misteake, I approach these days with hope and joy, and the knowledge that grief is a gift that helps keep my sanity.
Evan
Dear Donel;
The lives that you have touched have been far reaching and multi-generational. Although it has been years since I have seen you, reading your blog has once again reminded me of the grace and joy that you bring to life. Thanks to you and all of your family for having been a significant part of mine. I send my love to all of you as you continue with your dance.
Much love to all of the McClellans-
Karen (Riseland) Frazier
Dear Don and family,
Pastor's time with the children...this is how I picture you, sitting on the steps of the sanctuary with the children at your feet, listening to you intently, as you told us about how God loved us so.
I was one of those children. My fondest memories are of that WHCC courtyard filled with the laughter and lives of families in Christ. The McClellans were always such a big part of those wonderful years for me.
Your words took root in me, and I was inspired to continue this Christian walk throughout my life. I am blessed to serve as Deacon Moderator at Sammamish Presbyterian Church here in Washington.
My faith journey has come full circle. Now that I have 3 children of my own, I want them to experience the joy of knowing Christ and feeling part of a church family as I did.
Hearing of your news have left me with a heavy heart. Your words have brought me such comfort, as they did when I was a child, sitting at your feet, believing that our God is a loving God.
Someone shared this devotional with me recently:"Dear Friend, Don't worry about anything. It's all in my hands. Love, God."
I keep you in my daily prayers. Thank you for sharing your journey. You dance with such faith and grace. It is a gift to us all.
With love,
Karen Carter Cox
Dear Donel,
Just wanted to share a thought that came to me while we were discussing one of our
successful journals at work. Journals are rated by their "impact factor". It seemed very appropriate to note that your life has had, and continues to have, a very high "impact factor" on your friends and family—and on people who probably don't even know you that well, but who see you accepting this news with such grace and candor and with a savoring and appreciation of the days you are given.
It's been such a blessing to be included in your journey and to know that you are at peace and really will enjoy and be blessed by your time with your beautiful family and friends.
Much love to you and Marilyn,
Marilyn
Dear Donel,
I've been contemplating what the mood must have been like on the day you were born. You were no doubt a bit put-out by the sudden move to a cooler, dryer climate. Those around you, however, were most likely ecstatic. This week I have been trying to summon some of that ecstasy. That I have known you has been one of the great gifts of my life. You taught me faith, and it is that faith which I will use for pain relief as you depart this world-womb. For you, though, I envision all manner of gossamer, and shimmering, and great peace.
Love,
Nancy
Donel,
I really hope that your prognosis is substantially on the low side, even in the face of compelling evidence that that might not be a realistic hope. What you mean and have meant to our church and to those around you has been well expressed by others. Just let me say that your courage, your strong faith, and your willingness to share your journey have made you a wonderful role model in this very difficult time. I don't know if Heaven has a Pastor's Hall of Fame, but if it does you're a shoo-in.
Corky
Posted by: Corky Cochrane at April 1, 2005 11:34 AMHi Donel,
I have often wondered if it is better to know the probable date of my passing...it sounds to me like there is some relief to it. It reminds me of Carolyn Graham. I heard that she said to Jeff "what do we want to do in the time that I have left?" My selfish wish is for you to make a big, long list, really, really big list and that you get to finish it!
Have you read Annie Lamotts' new book? If not, put it on the list :)
On another note, Taylor enjoyed talking to Marilyn during a lenten supper. He is quite taken with her.
Posted by: sharon at April 1, 2005 04:09 PM
Donel-We remember you in our prayers each day. Thank you for continuing to teach us so much. This blog is such a gift for us --to feel connected to you even from Spokane. Much love-
Posted by: Laurie Powers at March 29, 2005 01:42 PMLaurie, Breean, Carter, Bridget and Fiona