Over the years I have collected images, poems and prayers which have meaning for me. Now some of them seem especially appropriate. From time to time I will post a reflection based upon one of these.
Creator of the world, keep me sane,
Keep my sense and wisdom, until
You come for me.
Scottish Gaelic song
If I am anxious about anything, it is the possible loss of sense and wisdom as my cancer progresses.
I have experienced the effect of powerful drugs which relieve the pain of the body but dim the intellect. I am grateful for the relief, of course, and need it at times. Following surgery when I was taking OxyContin, the effects included a tendency to gently hallucinate when I closed my eyes. It was as though my unconscious imagery was being taken over by the medication.
While awake, I found that I couldn't read the series of legal mysteries by Robert Tannenbaum to which I was addicted at that time. My mind just couldn't follow the more complex plots of those novels. Instead I read Alexander McCall Smith's Ladies Number One Detective Agency which were delightfully simple to follow.
For most of my life it is my mind that has organized my world and articulated what I believe. These days I am seeking to be more in touch with messages from my body and the deeper voice of the Spirit. I know that provisions are in place to care for me whatever my condition. Perhaps my challenge is to give over my sense and wisdom to others as part of letting go. I do know that I shall be buoyed by Spirit and love through the slowing of the dance when that comes. For this I give thanks to God.
Posted by Donel at April 24, 2005 06:35 PM
Dear Donel,
I am back after having spent two weeks in China herding a group of 15 women (age 15-78) around. You will remember this is the group I invited you to join if you were willing to dress in drag.
You seem to be especially erudite these days. I'm impressed with the number of postings. It's as if you are being gifted with meaningful thoughts like there was no tomorrow . . .
Have you heard this one, you butterfly-ist? Q:Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: Because it was a moth ball!
Donel, I picture you hunkering down in your chair, surrounded by those you love and the well wishes of so many. I'm feeling as if your image is beginning to lighten. As a visual kind of guy, I know you can see what I am talking about. It's like a watercolor that has lost some intensity. Where do the vivid colors go?
I see you as mostly here but with a part of your self stepping off, testing the waters of another life, still greatly drawn to all you have here. It makes me sad.
Jennifer
Posted by: Jennifer at April 24, 2005 09:00 PM