How have I been feeling? Very well overall, strange as it may be seem. My small discomforts are an ache in the hip and shoulder but the medication reduces them to a level below my awareness. I am somewhat short of breath when I walk and especially climb the stairs but with patience those small journeys are manageable. I have oxygen and use it part of the day as needed. Yesterday Marilyn and I strolled leisurely to the end of the block and back. Just getting out into the sunlight and becoming aware of the flowering trees on our street was a small burst of joy.
I have been sleeping pretty well, awakening once or twice in the night. Tylenol PM seems to be about the right remedy for me at this time. The steroids I am taking cause some sleeplessness otherwise.
In the mornings I have been shaving and showering myself, although the process leaves me pretty winded for a time. Yesterday Marilyn cut my hair so I wouldn't begin to resemble Howard Hughes at the end. Then she helped me with a bath. It was a great pleasure to have someone assist with the bath and wash and dry my feet which seem to keep growing further away from my hands.
This morning I was up early and decided to shave and shower myself. We have a grab bar in the bathtub so I can hold onto something during the process. After the shower I stepped onto the bathmat to dry myself and got everything but one foot. Standing on the other foot, holding the bar and drying with the other hand I simply lost balance and rather elegantly slithered down to the floor. Nothing bruised or broken, just a little embarrassment at trusting my balance too much. It is another reminder that I need to release a bit more personal responsibility, and receive the assistance of others. I suspect this will be an ongoing learning process for me. Today the bath aide visited, as Dani has so elegantly written. She ordered a bench for the bathtub and will come next week to instruct Marilyn and me on bathing comfortably and safely.
I know intellectually that dying is a process of letting go. I need to learn that lesson physically and emotionally as well. To release oneself, body, mind and spirit seems to be the path I need to follow at this time. I treasure these moments of clarity, knowing that at some point discomfort and medication will dull even that gift. At that time I will place myself in the care of those who surround and love me. The dance continues.
Posted by Donel at April 14, 2005 07:39 PMDonel,
May I be the latest to add gratitude for this blog........ To be perfectly honest, there are times that I appreciate the fact that it is on the computer so that I can log onto and read it - quickly turn it off and run away to do something vitally important like rearrange the silverware drawer while I take deep breaths - and then come back to it again later and read it more evenly. It both breaks my heart and warms and grows my soul to read of your new thoughts, perspectives and experiences. I hope it is as useful to you as it is to us who do not get to see you on a daily basis. Your teaching goes on.......
I introduced the kids to the blog tonight. They wanted to send you a note each. Here are their comments:
"I love you Donel. I love to sit on your lap and get hugs and give you hugs. You are safe and comfortable to sit on and you are so handsome. I am sad because you have cancer."
Emma (5)
"I miss you a lot and I will think about you every day. I like how you teach me about God. My favorite part is that I can still hear God - even when I can't see God.
And I love your hugs."
Eliza (9)
"I wish that your breathing was better so you didn't need oxygen and you'd get all better and not have cancer and so we could see you every every Sunday. And I want to send you a hug through the computer because I love you."
Timothy (10)
Much love,
Meril (and kids)
Donel and Marilyn,
I believe that Gillian first wrote of serendipty. I found a poem through a serendipitous route yesterday and wanted to share it. You may already know it - from A Wrinkle on the Sole of Her Divine Feet, The Book of Blessings, Maureen Hilliard.
A Parting Blessing
May you be blessed
with vision
in these shadow times.
May light invade the darkness.
May it be a soft brilliance,
as bare as candlelight,
guiding you ghrough
twiligh 'til dawn.
And when the dawn breaks,
may you find yourself
upon a threshold.
May you enter
and go ghrough,
and may you emerge
into the dance -
a whole and holy new
dance of grace.
The serendipitious route - I went to Village Books yesterday to get the next book for the book club and order a book of poems for Donel I'd stumbled across titled - Dance in Poetry. There was success on the part of the bookclub book but the book of poems is printed in India and not in print in this country. Never one to waste an opportunity to wander in a book store, I came across a new book by Margaret Wheatley with the title Finding our Way, Leadership For an Uncertain Time. I've had the pleasure to work with Meg and eagerly picked up the book. It went with me to a County Planning commission meeting to which I had arrived 45 minutes early - Serendipity - I dare think so. It gave me a few quite minutes in an auditorium with no one else around to think about my day and offer prayers for those close to my heart. Meg writes about quantum physics and chaos theory and how they apply to organizational and personal life. She always includes poems and pictures. As you know me, I started at the back and had my breath taken away when I read the Parting Blessing. Something I needed - something I could share.
Sharon
These last postings are especially rich for me. Elizabeth and Chris are long time friends, Meril, and her wonderful children, Timothy, Eliza and Emma are bright lights at church each Sunday and they all have affectionate hugs which I love. Sharon knows there are no coincidences and brings me a new poem/blessing which will fill my day with its vision.
I can't tell you how much joy and encouragement my family and I receive from the dialogue on this blog. It has become a spiritual community in itself, something I hoped for in 1985 when I was 0ne of the founders of ECUNET which used computer telecommunications long before the internet to connect clergy and laity all around the world. I have a sense that I am the fortunate recipient of the blessings whose roots were planted 20 years ago with more hope than vision.
Remember, Donel, when we were the fearless e-voyageurs, seeking a new home for Ecunet? Didn't know ANYTHING --well, David Lochhead knew something -- but we explored here and there all around the e-net, trying this and then the other?
You -- your courage, your persistence, your flexibility -- were a big part of our equipment.
Posted by: Houston at April 15, 2005 10:44 AMMy Mom uses a PVC outdoor patio chair in her shower and it works like a charm; cheap, too!
I am grateful that you (all of you) post so regularly. It is frustrating to be so far away during this time and know that all I will be able to know of these precious days is what you share, not what I can see for myself. I thank you for your honesty and willingness to be so open.
Reading the comments makes me ever more aware of how very many lives you touched significantly, as you did mine.
I see all the love-tokens people are depositing on your doorstep and think I should be coming up with a poem, quilt, deep thought, or something. But I am stilled by two things: 1) seemingly unending work on our latest show ("Seussical"); and 2) depression on losing yet another important person from my life. This all brings back the time of my brother's death--also at a distance. Frankly the deepest thought I seem to have right now is "This sucks!" I suspect you have occasionally shared this thought.
Thinking of you. Praying for you all.--Maria
Posted by: Maria Barbee at April 15, 2005 12:21 PMI love reading all the deep and inspirational comments from friends, but I can really relate to Maria. You are right, Maria. This does suck. But Uncle Don can even make something so crappy into a beautiful experience and share it with the rest of us. That's what it means to be a true "giver".
Posted by: Mary at April 15, 2005 03:14 PMDear Don and Marilyn,
The long rains have gone from southern California and this spring is staggering with a vibrant flowering that takes the breath.
And you, Don are in vibrant flowering as you enter this intense time of growth and newness - and letting go.
I'm honored to bear witness to your process; and thrilled by the wonder and curiosity that you share with us as you bloom into this last, greatest adventure.
As ever - you teach by example and we are all the richer for being part of your ministry and life.
Love to you both. You are in so many prayers that the heavenly communication lines must be jammed.
And, yup Maria - in the middle of spring it can still suck.
Mary Becker
Posted by: Mary Becker at April 15, 2005 03:59 PM
Dear Don and Marilyn,
Posted by: Elizabeth Spencer at April 14, 2005 09:11 PMI didn't have the joy of hearing sermons in the past, but I have benefited from them more than you can know. From the past I met a partner and my true Love. Chris and I have been through the good and the bad. I had the experience of staying with you and your family. My children remember this and have talked about the wonderful experience. I have not only felt a kinship with that experience, but with being a part of your 40th anniversary. I am still working as a Registered Nurse. I deal with so much adversity but also with life and death experience. You have given me a sense of hope and understanding of the future. I hope that I can think of the dance when it arrives. I in the last year dealt with the death of a relative and the wonderful support of Hospice. They taught me so much. Unlike the selfish part of not wanting to have the end of memories, I so understand what you and your family have created and worked at to maintain a memory. I so admire the journal of one experience to give others the way to look at a natural process of the dance. If we as humans could have a positive experience about the importance of life and the natural part of the transition toward our maker, and not look at it as a negative, we could make the best of every moment, flower, and experience. My Love and best wishes are with the family.
Love Elizabeth